The Five Worst Planeswalkers of All Time
Planeswalker is often referred to as the most powerful card type in Magic. This is due both to their card-advantage generating abilities, as well as a lack of cards that directly interact with them efficiently. A single planeswalker, if left unchecked, can dominate the game. But what happens when planeswalkers aren’t good? And how do we tell the good planeswalkers from the terrible? You don’t need to worry. I have thought long and hard about this, and I have determined the only metric that matters for determining planeswalker power rankings – their huggability. That’s right. The nicer it would be to hug a planeswalker, the stronger they must be. Don’t think too hard about that, just trust me, and join me, as we look at the five worst planeswalkers of all time.
Sure – MAYBE Chandra could restrain her fire to the point that a hug would be possible., and MAYBE her control over fire would make for a perfectly warm embrace. I’m going to let someone else hug the woman who’s literally ON FIRE first though, before I try it.
Urza, Academy Headmaster
While hugging without arms is certainly possible, I do believe it isn’t optimal. As for hugging without arms or a body – that’s a little bit harder to swing. As one of my coworkers put it, “I don’t want a hug that reminds me of Richard Nixon’s head on Futurama.”
Wrenn and Six
Have you ever climbed a tree before? If so, you know what it feels like to hug someone who has grafted themselves into a treeant. I’ll pass, thanks.
Koth, of the Hammer
Once, as a kid, I fell off my bike while riding way too fast and skidded to a stop in the middle of the street. I scraped basically my entire body on the pavement, and complained about it for weeks. When I think about hugging a planeswalker with literal rocks for skin, I can’t help but think it’d be too much like hugging asphalt. I think I’ll stick with a gentlemanly bro-fist if I ever meet Koth.
Emrakul, the Aeons Torn
(Disclaimer: I know Emrakul isn’t technically a planeswalker, but she does still travel between planes. I may not technically be a barista, but you’d rank my coffee up there with the best) How do you hug an extra-dimensional incomprehensible monster that devours entire planes of existence? If you have any ideas I’d love to hear them. Also if you have a solution for the screaming I’ve been hearing recently, and the tentacles that have been growing out of my skin, I’d really appreciate it.
There they are, the 5 worst planeswalkers to hug in Magic: the Gathering. What did I get right? What did I get wrong? Did I miss anyone obvious? Please let me know!
written by Zach, Amazing Stories’ resident MTG expert.